A Serene Dive and other revelries.

Reckless Driving

2008-06-17T10:04:00.002-04:00

I realized driving to work this morning that my driving has become terrible. I have begun scaring myself, slamming on breaks, swerving...I think my brain is compensating for outward feelings...

I was thinking last night about the last relationship I had..It was a lie, and I was conditioned to always expect the worse...I even settled for it...I was let down so many times I just got used to it...She would tell me she loved me and then cheat on me, she would tell me I was beautiful and then take it away. She would manipulate things to the point where it made me feel like I was the crazy one. She said hurtful things and with the lack of commitment yet the words that said it existed the one thing that hurt the most was I learned to keep things to myself...even random thoughts, like the sensation of gravity or the idea that we are atomic mass of energies bouncing off one another...about reincarnation, about energy and blocked chakas, about culture and my theories about people in their enviroment...I think I still have trouble with this after having it in your face, like what you have to say is not worth anything, like my mind did not matter, that I was the constant warm body there. The clincher is the part about when I gained weight, I am constantly expecting the worse from people in my life, thinking that I may not be good enough..The thing is I realized we all have issues, we all have insecurites, we all have parts of our lives we wish we could permantly remove, but we can't. What we can do is enjoy the ongoing wow of now...

I guess what it comes down to is this: Someone recently told me they felt like I was a button in their pocket and they were afraid they were going to loose it. I feel like that too, like I am going to wake up one day and it will just not be there, I have a hard time looking really far ahead...I have a hard time looking to the end of the day but I value the fact there is a button...and a new one at that. And that has made all the difference...

The reckless driving thing is this...I was feeling a lot of emotion all at once..and people were telling me a million different things...my roommate tried to convince that what I needed (sorry Kris) was to move in with someone I have only been seeing for a short time, because she felt it was convient to her, the thing that gets me about this, is it has been a really long time since I have even wanted to take the steps to move in a forward direction with someone and for my best friend, the person who claims she knows me better than anyone else would make me feel that the speed or rate at which I was moving did not compliment the way she needed things to be..I would never be that selfish...I would never push someone that way...make me feel crazy...like I needed to be rushed..In a way I need to say a quick fuck you for not just being happy for me where I am at...I got a smile on my face and more than anything I am enjoying getting to know this person...I am enjoying the easiness of it...fuck you for making her feel weird, for making me feel weird, walking in on us when we were having sex, saying you saw us naked, and trying to tell me how I feel because what you think comes no where close...

I hope the graphic language did not offend anyone, I needed this open letter of sorts, because in my circle of things the precept has been real and in everyones face and I needed to round of that circle.

a quick thought on Tim Russert

2008-06-17T08:21:00.002-04:00

The news of his Tim Russerts passing has been on my mind since I heard about it on Saturday, I could not beleive I had not heard. He was a brilliant political commentator and will truly be missed. I went through the same thing when Peter Jennings died. It was tough, I bonded like many of my fellow americans with Jennings when the tragic events of September 11th occured.

This morning I woke up sex crazed and methodically got up unwilling to accept the caprice of fate and face my day....I think it was because I spent too long making silly lists that I avoided my very important one....

Need to clean out car, it smells real funny--I am back from my vacation of order
Need to fix the clock in the car, I hate the feeling of panic I feel when I look at it sometimes.
I really need to water my neighbors plants, my plants and need to get those freaking tomatoes in the ground....
My last day of class is Thursday, I need to go through my study guide
I need to decide if I am going to do the extra credit.
I need to clean my room, I need to get rid of some clothes...they either do not fit or I simply hate them. Loosing weight is frustrating because my clothes just hang..Makes me feel akward.

I really need to shave my legs..

I was laying in bed last night thinking, I felt really heavy laying against the bed, which led to tone of the strangest sensations....I felt this other day too sitting at the computer desk...All of a sudden I felt like I could feel the curve of the earth and that the only thing that was holding me there was gravity...I felt space...and gravity and the simple force that keeps us grounded....The sensation is unlike anything else...very strange to say the least...

It made me feel like the Little Prince from one of my favorite childrens stories...Like my head was literally right in outer space...no atmosphere , just space...

mantra for the day: compassion extends to compassion

The list of lists.....

2008-06-17T01:05:00.003-04:00

Coke at 1 am is not the best thing, I can feel the caffine take over and seep into my pours...What the hell are you doing my body asks....

I was laying in bed making lists...and these are the lists I came up with...

Songs I could never live without:
1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwFS69nA-1w "First day of my Life" (decided recently)
2.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ywg-PdeGVL0 "Strawberry Fields"
3.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Qx2lMaMsl8 "the flower duet"
4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pp-SYRSyMvE "Coming" from my favorite virginia woolf book Orlando made into a movie...
5.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98NdBQJEj_s "Lily of the West"
6. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9VHpdmIrFM "Hypnotized"
7. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHIfpTMdOVg "two girls strong"
8. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VW0YLWWf2b8 "Hold me now"

Favorite youtube videos:
1.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHikpdf8ktM
2.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZDOPQRdxJM
3.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JJ-tK7-gIk
4.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReYfDlIa-Z8
5.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goL20thlcRU

Strange pyshic lady at work sayings:
1. It is just settling so let it...
2. The spirit told me she was embarressed of you, maybe you should ask if she is
3. you are not confused you are just scared of the shit that comes with it
4. You will wear a shoe with strings
5. your cat is a lover from a past life
6. you have a soul mate and she has you she also has iron

The strange pyshic lady scares me a bit....she smells like cheese and waddles, she wears a bluetooth the same color as her clothes...it seriously changes.

Basic needs: Beyond Maslows Hierachy:
1. A smile, an open heart and an open mind
2. Validation that my feelings are ok
3. feather pillows
4. Appreciation of who I am
5. air conditioners set on 69
6. unconditonal love
7. freedom
8. sexual exploration like space
9. a love thats a best friend, lover and a an equal
10. avid dream recollection
11. books books books
12. to have my mirror neuron in my life

it is now 1:34 my roommate is up too, she is wearing my sweater and speaking her truth...I appreciate her in moments like this...I appreciate the sileance of this time of night.

I have felt like I am standing on a tiny globe and all the other people with the exception of Alex are takcs stuck in the globe, and we are standing on the tiny globe..awkardly so and affectionately so.

I need and must go to bed....my eyes are puffy and I have a dull ache in my heart...Time will take it away but until then....I can suck it up and get on with it. I need a really amzing day....a Molly day...

Alex suggested Disney world and I think that will make my year. There is a tiny place in my head where I go when the days get rough and recetnly they have consisted of a beach bound vacation with 2 set of flip flops and bodies like nooks.

Kristen if you read this, I think you are doing the right thing...even it seemed like I could not open my mouth to speak...

The Confessional

2007-11-06T16:56:00.000-05:00

Today has been a welcomed day amid the past few. And three cheers for the time change. I work so much better with that extra hour. I have changed all the clocks except for one. So I know when I look it I have a whole extra hour. Yes, silly. But sometimes the simple things are the most brilliant.

This edition is brought to you by the fair weathered friends of The Confessional.
I think I need a good get some things off my chest moment.

(Kristen, if you read this don't decide it is funny to make another cardboard confessional...and put the habit away.)

I am hot for teacher. And have been from the first day. (just breath, semester is almost over)
I can only pray that the fact my body temperature rises and I get flushed is not obvious. And the catcher is I have not felt this way since I was in middle school. I am talking one of those crushes. I actually feel giddy by liking her. Not to mention, her pheromones must really be to my liking.

I was in a very bad mood the past couple of days. And although with a family emergency and having to drive 4 hours to and from Atlanta this weekend, I did not have a reason to be.

I dropped my math class. And I am terrified how that is going to affect me. I am scared it will affect my transfer.

I want to join the peace corp so I won't feel lonely. It is my back up plan. It is the just in case, and that makes me worry I am not compassionate enough.

Since my roommate is spending almost every waking second at her boyfriends house, I have felt like I have my own house. And I needed this.

Most of my short stories are due to what my mother would see has her shortcomings but I see as beautiful idiosyncrasy.

I have a hard time writing academic papers. I want to weave a vibrant story instead.

I lied to get out of speeding ticket the other day. And I feel terrible about it.

I have a hard time not having a case of word vomit and not coming right out and telling my hot for teacher that I am stumble over my words when I am around her.

I like being busy. Even if sometimes I complain about it.

I love this time of year. I feel alive.

I smoked a cigarette this morning....and felt disgusting afterwards but loved it while I was doing it.

The shape of a woman's body is the most intelligent design I have ever seen. And because of recent admiration's I have sought out special attention to the curve of the hips and the lay of the thigh.

I guess this is where I say I lusted and I desire to be intimate...get it on...
*shakes it off*

I am human and do need to be forgiven for any of these transgressions. : )

Maddness, Saddness and the need for more bubble baths

2007-11-04T19:29:00.001-05:00

I am in a mad mood, again. I am argument ridden, tired, and stressed out. Driving back and forth from Atlanta is one thing but when it is not for grander ocassions it is another thing, And the garden is so very blah this time of year...Much like the state of my uncle...It riddles with me fear. http://www.ryangainey.com/projects/poetryandprose/default.htm My uncle is a man of great fervor and enlightment, I would not be remotely who I am today if it were not for him. He very much took over as a major paternal role in my life and although at times I want nothing more to than to hide from his critism I love him for it. I worry for him.

But yes, I am in a bad mood, PMS, room mate/best friend disagreements, brothers who need a good kick in the ass, my uncle, my dirty laundry, school, work, bad judgement, cramps, mis-communications, a broken in half phone (I am so clumsy), and just the plain and simple fact I am on edge and I want my own bed.

The highlightof my day was taking a hot bubble bath in a clawfoot tub....Why did I ever get out.

I am sure once I go to sleep and begin another day it will all be as if it were a dream...and I won't feel so angry, Hell I won't even feel tepid...I won't feel lonely....And I will find no need to complain.

I often find myself wondering if people see me as neurotic or uptight. I am completely the opposite, It just is so many times I find it so hard to say things and half the time I feel misunderstood. I am completely aware I am transposing that on myself and PMS makes everything ten times more.

I will end on a wish....

I wish for nothing more than a chilled night, a warm blanket, candlelight, a bottle of good wine, great conversation, a certain secret someone, and the presumption for a couple moments that nothing else exists.

vacating myself

2007-11-02T21:35:00.000-04:00

ok, I have been on a tiny vacation. Away from all technology, away from anything that has remotely connected to me with anything outside the realm of school and work. This needs to change. With yahoo closing and having everyone disperse there are a few people I want to stay in contact with...I need to get my game in act before it is too late...It is always like that, I either act to quickly or not at all and in the end I manage to loose either way. Funny thing that is.
I was inspired to blog because today has been a ripe day. Ripe meaning not quite there but almost. Amongst the recklessness of pms, my inability to communicate and responding by putting my head down or looking the other way seems bizarre,,Is there something up with the planets? This week has been a long and never ending stream of disasters. My roommate, who is the closet I will ever have to a sister has been vacant. I am not griping just stating...I don't really ever want to love alone. But when we do manage to have morning coffee on the days I don't have to be at class or work till 10, all she has done was constantly have a nervous breakdown. The plumbing has backed up. After doing the dishes and draining the water, it backs up into the bathtub. Gross...coffee grounds and dirty water...I think I managed to fix it...but after a nice hot relaxing bath, I drained the water and it came out of the sink....?!?!?!?!!??!!?!?!?!? My brother needs to get his act together.....I am so very tired of bailing him out of his BS. The big catch of the week happened last night. I was having a nice evening, had dinner with a friend...did a bit of homework...and then around 10 the first call came in..apparently he had tried to im me but I was not signed into anything and he has never quite figured out the best way to chat is through google...Except my gmail is totally fucked. Arghhh. I think I am going to get a new email..I guess I have to....what a pain...Ok well, ________ (I will leave his name out for all intensive purposes) was having what I like to refer to as a Chasing Amy moment. He called, I did not answer...He called again and only because I was done with an outline did I answer. It began...I sat, calmly and listened to his jive about how he thought it impossible for me to spend the rest of my life with a woman and how he was the 100% perfect person for me...(Well sorry I was never informed of this). I like _______ but as a friend only. I treasure my platonic friendships with men...I mean yes I dated a few but things have changed and that is out of my control...We hung up and the calling continued....I had to leave my phone on because I was too lazy to get out of bed and set my actual alarm clock..I have to set it away from the bed so I will actually get up and not hit snooze a million times....The last message left after it seemed he managed to get drunk was Calling me a pretentious cunt. Yes a cunt. Of course I got the apology via voicemail and email today but still am lacking in what to say.

Anyhow I just really wanted to make a note of a movie I wanted to see.
Wristcutters. There....I guess it was nice to rant.

Oh and when I have time...all the crazy dreams I have been having will be transcribed.

360 and beyond

2007-10-22T17:33:00.001-04:00

Yes, I have found it to be official. 360 is coming to a close. It is reported that they will supply people with a way to move their blogs...Blog Presevation happening so soon..who woulda thought.

My math professor growls. I really find him in poor taste. Not too mention he marks correct answers wrong on every single one of my tests which I have to repeatly have him so I can attempt to pass.

But no kidding the guy growls as he walks throughout the desks peeking over the shoulder..judging our ever move..causing me the violent reaction of wanting to elbow him directly in the groin.

It is not the fact that he is a man that bothers me..It is the fact he is a man teaching me math...My brain does not concepulize the same as his....The best math professors have always been women. Even ones in polyestor and wiggs.

synonym for a case of insomnia

2007-10-13T03:07:00.000-04:00

I know that a case of insomnia hits people at random and inconvient times. I am having one of those times. I can not sleep. It is exactly 3:13 am and I tried, I really did. I a giant to do list going over and over in my brain. It won't turn of like it should. I think for the most part I have had a pretty uptight week. And now after 2 hours laying in bed I thought I would attempt to get through some of my to do list. But first I had some things I needed to channel out of my system. I hate this time of the day and I hate to admit this but it is the lonliest time of the day. This hour between nightfall and the break of light....I really hate it, Kristen went out of time with a guy she really is digging on. I really am happy for her...It is about time...This week, I have had the house to myself alot and for the most part I have atteempted to get stuff done....but between computer problems and feeling slighty stressed I fear I came of slightly neurotic. And I hate feeling like that. I am enjoying the chill in the air...but this time of year makes me more aware of the lack of warmth from another. I have been thinking about this some....And there is someone I really like. She and I are on opposite of 2 worlds..And I know what it can be or how it should be. The thing is, this was one of the possibilities I never imagined. Every once in awhile the thought of her will creep in my mind and it makes me feel normal. Like there is something there...something I have needed for a long time. The thing is....I dont want it to be one of those things I worry about....one of those things that make me feel crazy..becuase of circumstance......Being around her I react like atoms forming a larger mass...I can feel my pupils dilate...I can feel the blood rush to my cheeks and I am afraid she sees every second of it...And I do not want her to see it.....not yet....but between my nuerotic swings and frantic speech I am certain she picks it up.

I picked up a copy of Love Poems by May Swenson and I adore it. Each night before I go to bed, I read one poem..To send me to a restful sleep much like the one I should be having tonight. I guess I should consider the fact I am home alone and I can listen to music as loud as I want to. This was the first May Swenson poem I read...the one that drew me in....

Poetry of May Swenson

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW

Because I don't know you, I love you:
warm cheeks, full lips, rich smile,
dark irises that slide to the side;
thick lashes, thick hair, gleaming
teeth and eyes; your hand in greeting
warmer than mine, wider, in blue shirt,
rolled sleeves, in dark jeans belted-
I liked your robust shoulders, wide neck and
tipped-up chin. That glow is blood
under skin that's warm to begin with,
almost dusky, the red showing
through-of health, of youth- but more:
your open, welcome, I-could-hug-you look.
We met once or twice, exchanged smiles:
your lips, curl-cornered to my thin,
crooked grin; your easy, laughing eyes
to my sharp stare. Did it pierce you
there, my look of hunger, like a hook?
I wanted only a sniff, a tongue-tip's
taste, a moment's bath in your rare
warmth. That last night, trading
goodbyes, when we kissed-or you did, me-
my hand took your nape, plunged under
the thick spill of your hair. Then
I stepped into the dark, out of the light
of the party, the screen door's yellow
square sliding smaller and smaller behind
me. You've become a dream of ripe
raspberries, in summer country: deep, dark
red lips, clean, gleaming generous smile.
Who owns you? I don't know. I'll hide you
away in my dream file. Stay there. Don't
change. I don't know you-and had better
not. Because I don't know you, I love you.

THE INDIVISIBLE INCOMPATIBLES

They are like flame and ice
the elemental You and Me
Will nothing then suffice
but they shall extinguished be?

I am locked in glacial pride
You burn with impetuous scorn
My prison is silence
Your arena is wrath
They are opposed as night and morn

If this is so how can it be
we sought each other long ago
and crept together hungrily?

You are quenched in my cold heart
as I dissolve in your core of fire
Then why do we crave each other's touch
magnetized by one desire?

When one forged his armor so
bright as ice and cold as slate
did he divine a spear so swift
and savage as to penetrate?

When one wrapped himself in flame
and emerged a glowing tool
did he dream of substances
irresistible and cool?

Yes
but in fusion
such raw alloys
instantly each the other destroys

yes I understand I posted 2 but I liked both of them.

I am listening to am Americana internet radio station and it just reminded me that I needed to get some more Be Good Taynas.

I am going to admit it first here..I am having trouble writing a paper. I am not sure if it is the week that has finally ended or if it is I can not function concretely in my restrictions.

I am alittle stessed about money but I have a feeling it will be ok.

I went to my dads tonight. My grandparents flew down from Buffalo. I have not seen them in nearly 2 years. I had to call and see if I could come over to see them before this cook out thing he is having Sunday. My dad seemed hestitant. He did not even call me on my birthday. And I thought he was actually beginning to regress on his transgressions. But you know.....I case old dogs really can not learn new tricks. I sat there and listened to them talking about all this family get togethers that I was never invited to, come to find out, regardless of the fact he never asked me, he told them I said I did not want to go to see them....In that moment it all came back.....I was angry and sick at the same time....I did not need to have that in my face tonight....not at the close of the week of chaos...but all of sudden I felt compelled to expose what a fruad he was...case and point his pathologcal lying....and why does he have to clam up when it is just he and I ...and he will do everything in his power to make sure he is never left alone with me...Why is so afraid...Is he intimidated? Is he afraid I will go off on him..I have never wanted to untill now.

The sweetest song just came on...Called reason to love by meiko...it is a patheticaly sweet song.

When I got home from my dads...I expected the empty house.....Clayton called and we met for a quick cup of coffee. I got home and deflated my helium filled birthday balloon and really freaked out the cats and Mango...Mango ran and hid under the bed...The cats twitched and stared.....I had never sucked helium out of a balloon but for some juvenile reason I did tonight...Does helium make you high? I felt kind of heady.....I dont plan on doing that again. Wow it is almost 4...I have to take my mom to work at 6...so 2 more hours...Been a while since I pulled an all nighter..thank god tomorrow is saturday..regardless of the work I got to do.

I really want to go see that movie Across the Universe. Thought about going to see a matinee but since I stayed all night I am not sure my having not slept achy body will hang with that.

the struggles of attraction are quite different at this point in my life....I just am trying to not make it all that obvious...It can't be.

I think I need to take a hot bath. Take the chill out of my bones...brew some coffee...finish my study guide for western civ. I can take my test tomorrow online...

I want someone to see me. Beyond all of it..beyond all of this.

Post Secret

2007-10-09T22:22:00.000-04:00

I am obsessed with post secret. I often wonder why this. I think I have come up with why every Sunday Morning I find myself coffee in hand in front of the computer to see the new secrets...What else happens on Sunday...Val post a new video on her site Val's Art Diary. I think as an Anthropolgy major I love to know what everyone as a collective whole is thinking, I love the community postsecret has created....There are a few I have sent in...I have seen one or 2 posted...I think for me..Sometimes I wonder if there will be a secret for me....From someone...I think too that I don't care because I see so many of my secrets in the secrets...I see so many of my friends secrets there...But what I love are the one's that you know you would never tell one single person...Not one..Not even your best friend...you may never even utter it aloud..But sometimes you see them posted in other's words...and that is simply beautiful.

My secret of the moment is I should be doing homework but was overwelmed with a secret.

Unicorns

2007-10-08T14:58:00.000-04:00

I have decided to give up on everything I believe and only believe in unicorns. Ok only if for one day, I will do as such. I have this Childhood book, Called the Tale of the Unicorn. In the book 3 brothers set off to find the mysterious creature. Along the way, they each fall off at different points, giving up on their search and begin life where they found it to begin. Finally one of the brothers finds the unicorn but he can not find it in himself to kill it. By this point he is old, frail and has gone from here to the ends of the earth. In the end he goes back to where he started to live out the rest of his days with a sense of new found freedom/glory? The reason for the question mark is this.....What was it exactly they left with....and what was it that was found and developed along the way. I know this seems juvenile in a sense but in a diverse world I have noticed that answers differ. It becomes relative and surreal to the point that each has his own space and time and life becomes so unlike theory.

Yesterday was my birthday. Birthday's are alright. I don't really make a big deal out of it any more...Just another year older----making me feel emotional and then paranoid about what it is that this year will bring...Will this be the year that_________! Honestly it makes me neurotic and anxiety ridden, but as everything it passes and I relax in the movement of the day.

The Rally for Darfur was very impressionable. I was just glad to be there among other people who cared enough to stand together for 4 hours in unity of a tragedy a world away. Aside from a political agenda, creed, sex, and race. It was breathtaking to observe an honest attempt of awareness and solidarity. I have become of with the fact that the possibilities of my life shift me from the ideal. Whether it be southern relativity or American stereotype. I am ok. And I chose this. I am 26, not married. Academics are the sun I revolve around. I don't plan on having children myself but I do plan on opening up my life to share with a child that is already here. There is a reason I don't know anyone I grew up with anymore. We went different roads. There may be judgment passed but that to does not scare me. A friend recently contacted me, She lived down the road and we were neighborhood best friends. You know the kind: bicycle riding, swimming, movie watching, kick ball and tv freeze tag, picking up pecans for the old man that leaves next door, mulberry eating kind...Even if you come from 2 very different families...The fact I grew up catholic in the south, my father is from New York, My mother was the prime bread winner, Her Career was extremely important, my father worked at the University his whole life, surrounded by intellectuals, We had foreign people living with us at time, Students at school , the most remembered was Dr. Sun, He was China, and I adored him, There are a great many of my childhood pictures where I am always on his lap, staring at him, following him, I was in awe, He lived with is while he was here doing a study at the medical school where my father worked. One time he ate dog good from the can, He had even heated it up and everything, My mother found him, me at his feet. He had no idea. I often wonder what he did when he had to go back to China, Did he marry, have children? Did he discover anything? I went to public school for a couple years before my parents decided I was not receiving the best education and from then on out I attended Catholic school...Which although I am a lapsed agnostic catholic, I am glad I had that education. During the summer I was free, I did not have a lot of chores to do, We traveled alot. I had a nanny, My second grandmother, whom I am still very much in contact with, She was Charleston and with her crazy low country accent I could barely understand anything she said and she made me eat prunes. Kelly, the childhood Friend, her mother did not work, They attended an evangelical church. Fundamental to the core. Always being interested in religion and things different to what I had been exposed to I would go to church with them some Sunday nights, after I had already attended mass, but I know it was all an attempt to convert me or save my soul...Catholic or papists are not viewed well down here....And there are the never ending questions of Why do yall worship marry to why is not the rapture taught in your church...My response to that being correct even at a young age is that rapture, the word itself, is no where in the bible at all. And as for the end of the world ummmm.....we just don't consider it. Mary...well...Mary was an intercession as were the saints...Peoples remarks...Oh how pagan...( I still get a kick out of that)

Back to Kelly, her mom did not work, before they could play, everyday they had bible study, did the pledge of allegiance to the American and Christan flag ( The nights I spent the night I often had to incur this as well), They had to do typing, sew, they sewed quilts and clothes, they had to pick up the dog poop in their back yard, clean, they made 12 loaves of sourdough bread a week. And the silly thing, with my freedom and the fact I could be a child, I was kind of jealous of the fact they got to make bread...I wanted to make bread. (I loved little house on the prairie.) I could have pictures of the cast of Saved by the Bell, Kelly had to hide hers, I could openly listen to any music, Kelly could only listen at my house....I corrupted her a bit with the likes of stone temple pilots, bush, goo goo dolls, weezer, tripping daisy......My mom even took us to a bush concert, we told her parents we were going to the circus. I wonder is she too was kind of jealous of my life....All and all life happened.....Her structured life continued with a future of attending a evangelical college, Where her parents had met...Church summer camp...Good Christian boys...As my life fell apart stitch by stitch....and of course my attempts to sew had proven crooked and undefined. My dad cheated on my mom, I was the only one who knew..I would listen to his phone conversations together..I had different friends at school who themselves had corrupted me....I was out one night with one of them and I saw my dad walking hand and hand with a woman who was not my mother....I never told my mom until after the divorce...My dad moved out.....I began writing and all my friends were either gay men or crazy drama freaks....I stopped believing in religion, I found my own..I was medicated....or placated more like it.....I had to go to therapy, I got a weekend visit in an institution, I went to juvie......But all and all I was not one of the kids that was bad...I was quiet, I did not do drugs, I did well in school before I stopped going, I just got sad.....My dad went away, never called, and in the attempts of visitation he would be little my mother which made me hate him. I hated him for leaving me, us, all of it....For I had been daddy's little girl. I never had a relationship with my mother until then..and the ironic part was he wanted me in the custody battle, not my brother, me. In the end Patrick went to live with him, because Patrick in his own words wanted to take care of him...And I stayed with my mother. A therapist field day.....I got it together..I worked...finish school..worked some more...moved out....traveled, lived, was proposed to, fell in love with all the wrong ideas/people and got back in to school. Now, I find myself way beyond the crossroads....Happy that my life was different than Kelly's. She is getting ready to have her first child, she got her college degree, works at a bank, married leaves a street over from her family. With plans to stay there for the rest of her life, Goes to church 3 times a week. She never stepped beyond that box...I did not have to either..And although our lives were different..My plans were to attend a catholic university, become a teacher, get married, and have a family. I am in no way saying there is anything wrong with that. I have friends who did those things and still made it outside the box...

It all comes down to this....I had sent Kelly's mom a christmas card...I has always liked her mom, although she was neurotic and kind of crazy....She had her problems....She had a hard life...and to that I can relate..I can relate to those who have seen the worse and still tried to make it ok.....So I had been thinking about her and She contacted me told me she had cancer and so did her husband, She said she would love to see me....(It was that strange bond)...So I went to see them...Kelly wanted to see me to...It was nice but after all the chatting..Kelly pulled me outside...and said.."Molly, there was so much hope for you.....What did you do wrong? Jesus could have helped you know....And I want to make it my mission to help you get it back."

At this point I did not care what came out of my mouth but nothing would come.....I was frozen. I could not believe a 26 woman was actually saying this to me...There are a lot of things I could have said but all I could muster was this: "Kelly, life happens, and with all the shit that was thrown on this bed of flowers, I have grown into an incredible person who will never find meaning in asking someone a question like the one you just asked me."

The end.

All the hype.

2007-10-07T14:06:00.000-04:00

Life and death hang so close in the balance that I can not keep myself from thinking of them both. Not in way that would move one to be depressed but in the sense that we all are constanlty on the ebb and flow of something more than ourselves. I see people everyday who are not aware of this. I see people who ignore it. I see those who avoid it.

And I see those who get it.

Life is so unlike Theory

2007-10-06T10:27:00.000-04:00

I stayed up way to late last night. I had full intent to finish cleaning but Clayton showed up and Chris was very talkative. So while I was being entertained by these 2 wonderful and crazy people, I decided I would take these little foot shaped post it notes, Cheenka, the girl who works in my work study office gave me for my birthday...The days we have to do the field work, I am always asking her for post it' s so I think it was a hint. A funny story, We had been out to CCI, Part of what we do is recruit offenders and ex offenders to get job training, ged, high school diploma and possible get into college, anyhow, I asked her for a post it for a file I had put together after an intake interview to establish the grant program that would be most beneficial for them...You see work study, the rules...I can only work up to 20 hours a week. no more..If I need to work less I have that freedom and I don't have to feel guilty about it. It is all non profit work. I work for TRIO which has an office at midlands tech..So most of the time I am in the same place...It is a federal grant program..Which means every 5 years they have to write another grant to see if they can stay running......But you know, I don't think they will have a problem. They help all the underprivileged...and I thought I was a poor college student living of a federal grants, work study and a loan. I am going to be in debt in anyway...Why not have debt that can be deferred...I am careful though. Ok the point, I asked her a post it....She gave me one but when I got back to office, all over my station and in my mailbox were post it notes with the most absurd faces on them. I know it is all relative. And I am not sure to why this has stuck out in my brain.

Anyhow the foot note post it's...Listening to the boys..I made my quote post it's but not for...In our office we have 2 desk..one for Kristen and one for me....I took them and tacked them all over the wall and bulletin board behind her desk because she has been feeling low, out of it, altogether spazzed, with her recent one night a work, and doing work study, she is trying to figure out the time thing...She was so used to all nights......

But I thought I would share some of the quotes I put up...But first you have to envision walking into your space and having it covered with foot shaped post it's and having to read all of them...She loved it though....I knew she would.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting to see different results.
Albert Einstein

(Some of these I do not know who said them)

Isn't is frustrating to feel like you know all the answers and nobody bothers to ask you.

Life is a zoo in a jungle.

Life is like a cobweb not an organization chart.

Life is a horizontal fall.

All the world's a stage and some of us are desperately unrehearsed.

Nothing matters much, and very few things matter at all.

Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink.

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is all that serious.

"Born to be wild--live to outgrow."
Lao Tzu

I need to make coffee..how am I even functioning. BRB.

ok.
A dream you dream alone is only a dream, but a dream you dream together is reality.
John Lennon

Life happens when you are busy making other plans.
John Lennon

Love is a flower you let grow.
John Lennon

Part of me suspects I am a loser and the other part thinks I am god almighty.
John Lennon

The more I see, the less I know for sure.
John Lennon

We all shine on like the moon, and the stars and the sun.
Lennon

Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door--Emily Dickinson

One is not born a woman, One becomes one.

Every time we close the door on reality, it comes through the windows.

The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

True friendship can afford true knowledge. It can and does not depend on darkness and ignorance.

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.--Aristotle

Don't be afraid to go out on a limb, that is where the fruit is.

People wish to be settled: Only as long as they are unsettled is there any hope for them.
Oscar Wilde.

There is an Art to cleaning...?!?!

2007-10-05T19:50:00.000-04:00

I am a master procrastinator. And sometimes when it comes to cleaning (surface cleaning), I procrastinate as well. I had a song in my head and needed to hear it. Got distracted by the fact that Owen Wilson made his first appearance and hear I go again... But I had some thoughts...
First..I was cleaning out my underwear drawer...Found an umbrella, goggles for a lab class, and latex gloves. I had not a clue how they got there. Nor will I ponder it. But while I was cleaning was thinking about:

The idea of measuring time: I know since the beginning of time humans had to have an explanation...a need to grasp things they were experiencing but coming up with a universal measurement of time..How amazing. If I remember correctly, A 30,000 year old calender was found in France.. It has a system..the cycles of the moon were tracked. All of sudden we had a unique way of organizing memory, anticipation, prioritize and coordinate. Wow.
In the idea of an afterlife...Think about the 7,000 buried life sized buried soldiers buried in the third century in china. As protection, right? But I can not get passed why they chose to bury them.
Cave art-----PEOPLE PAINTED OUTLINES OF THEIR HANDS. As John Ruskin said "Fine art is that in which the hand, the head and the art of man go together"
Do the stars really govern our conditions?
The idea of a 2 folded cosmos. Was that just to try and make sense..We all need something coherent. If you think about it we always see the theme of people throughout history seeking a meaningful scheme.
What happened to the mother-goddess idea?
Where did the idea of massacre come from and why? I read a book called Life of an Ant once and it compared to those foraging, and stone breaking. I don't know.
Ok..Unchanging Law codes? The ten commandments..Ok I get it...they are good rules but we all need some transgression to see change.
Did the Mayans and Egyptians know they were building eternal monuments?
Linear progression--time's arrow...goes back to the time thing...We all live and act within a linear framework.
Man being the measure---the idea that truth is rational..Finally. It is all relative.
Ok touchy subject but Human bondage and I am not talking kinky here....How did people conceptualize that slavery was natural...And the White Man's Burden...Who was it that was sitting around before colonization and thought we need to colonize Africa....use up all the resources and draw out borders, (For all the future African civil wars, still happening people), Send in missionaries and then choose to call it white man's burden.???
I believe in fate but why does it all have to be about predestination?
Thank you person whoever established the meritocratic idea.
Fool's gold..Alchemy stuns me silly sometimes...magic as science...I am totally down but I think we are missing Hogwarts.
Ahh..my favorite: The idea of an engineered universe-----> Gravity...gets me every time. you ever lay in bed and just feel the gravity?
My least favorite that raked my brain...the idea of monetary theory.....It makes sense in the world we live in today but why was this established...I mean, Ok I get it but why, dammit.
Citizen warriors..whether it be a minute man or those fundamental freedom seekers, teaching their young to shoot a gun at age 3..or militia in Africa and south America....You can be a patriot without arms.
The Conservative idea..I still ponder this and always will...As one a french conservatism said the more things change, the more they stay the same..Yea only if you are living under a conservative regime.
The optimism of socialism. I am not going to say much here because I do not need to hear the insults but lets just say, there was hope or it seemed.
Will the machine begin calculating against us.
Road to Freedom and the idea of existentialism. I admit, I am a little bit of an existentialist.

I am going to stop there before the activity in my brain erupts and spews chaos that looks a lot like pi.

The DMV

2007-10-05T17:21:00.000-04:00

Today I had the grand adventure of being one of the lucky souls who had their license expire. Thus, I landed myself on Friday afternoon in the DMV. This is how it all played out....Soundtrack provided by my IPOD.

Opening sequence: Your Possible Past by Pink Floyd

I walk in immediately get in a line to establish why I was there. I was told to look in the eye exam machine and read line 2, but all I could think about was the grossness that was on the little bar you had to push down with your forehead, so that it lights up. I could feel the slime, the bacteria and grease of those before me. Then I was handed a clipboard with the usual, what is current address, Driver Li scene number, Social security number, insurance provider, what kind of toothpaste do you prefer and the new one, what is your sexual preference (only joking about the last 2)...I sat amongst a sea of grumpy people..all there for different reasons...I had my ticket..and I waited....Fortunately for me I did not have to wait long...

Waitng Sequence: Cross Road Blues by Robert Johnson

But as I was waiting, I listened to the sounds underneath the muffled commotion...And this is what I heard:

Man: WTF are those people doing don't they got a clue that they need to speak american..this america dammit....
(while watching some chinese students apply for an identification card.)
Woman: I don't know who they think they are...(while picking her nose, no lie)..they need to be k-feded (yes K-feded) back to china and make me some shoes.

My amazement sequence: My little corner of the World by Yo La Tengo

Switch directions (semi elderly man behind me, Sitting alone mind you)

Old Man: What has this world come to...Robots calling out numbers, all the colors of the rainbow sitting in the same room together, and all I need to do is get a new licence because I need to get my 6 pack and shell them beans, before ethel gets home, She is gonna be mad, Oh crazy made woman.

Finally I get called, The guy is super nice among the chaos....

Sequence Getting the roll one: Road House Blues by the Doors.

I finish getting the info straight and pay my..whoa when did it cost $25.00's to do this..last time it was Ten dollars...Well it has been 7 years...

Sequence DMV guy filling in the info: Educated Guess by Ani Difranco

Conversation between me and DMV guy:

Guy: How are you today?
Me: I think I am doing a little better than you.
Guy: why yes m'am you are...This place makes me crazy..all for state retirement...
Me: That's what keeps you here.
Guy: Yes, that AFN I can channel aggression every once in awhile, you see how rowdy these people can be.

Finally, it is time to take to the picture.
Educated Guess still going.
Lady: Count to 3 and look at the look here sign.
Me: Ok that sounds easy enough
Lady: Oh lord, girl, that looks like a mug shot. Stand right there pull your chine down and don't smirk.
Me: It was that bad? Well...I don't care about the next one..Just print it and go...

She finally calls me Sequence: Seeing other people by Belle and Sebastian

I take the card from the lady, we bid our southern adieus. I look down and all I can think is OMG...I need to let people know if I ever get kidnapped to please send another picture to the news..I do not want this goofy, smirky,silly, awkward looking girl shown to no one but the people at the bank or the one's who amuse me by carding me...

Heading for some retail therapy sequence: Back to Life by Spoon

Ok, so I am feeling pretty good...I am going to buy myself some intimate apparel..ya know nice underwear....a new bra..some silky pj's...Hey its my birthday Sunday I deserve it...

That was not so bad....

I even got a new razor....So that satin will feel ever so good...Ladies..I know ya know the feeling.

I managed to make back home

Home sequence: Walken by Wilco

And here I sit.

On a friday night..I am going to clean the house and work on Homework....and I prefer it like that...Maybe I should turn the phone off...Tango with my own confusion.

Mid-Term Mockery

2007-10-03T21:11:00.000-04:00

My mid-term mockery consists of....

A hot bath.
A semi-scream.
A cup of hot tea.
A bad mood.
A scracthy throat.
A need to take xanax.
Major Procrasination.
A sudden desire to pray..Like on my knees..recite the rosary ten times...pray.
A visualization that consists of writing the words WHY NOT? When the question WHY? is posed.
Wanting to cry.
Having my roomate think I have lost it.
Humming to myself.
Talking to myself.
And wanting desperatelty to just pull the blankets over my head and just be.

Lived In Bars

2007-04-25T21:58:00.000-04:00

a framework in theory

2007-04-25T21:52:00.000-04:00

This is all new to me..I am hungry for something to be laid to rest, I supose.
I have been teaching myself to see again. This week has been one for vacation and re-evaluation..how earnest it has been..god forbid I have to go back to work...

The paradox of the day is this..we have control of these constricting reigns..and there is something brewing inside..twisting itself senseless untill I can not see straight..but clearly I see.