Reckless Driving

I realized driving to work this morning that my driving has become terrible. I have begun scaring myself, slamming on breaks, swerving...I think my brain is compensating for outward feelings...

I was thinking last night about the last relationship I had..It was a lie, and I was conditioned to always expect the worse...I even settled for it...I was let down so many times I just got used to it...She would tell me she loved me and then cheat on me, she would tell me I was beautiful and then take it away. She would manipulate things to the point where it made me feel like I was the crazy one. She said hurtful things and with the lack of commitment yet the words that said it existed the one thing that hurt the most was I learned to keep things to myself...even random thoughts, like the sensation of gravity or the idea that we are atomic mass of energies bouncing off one another...about reincarnation, about energy and blocked chakas, about culture and my theories about people in their enviroment...I think I still have trouble with this after having it in your face, like what you have to say is not worth anything, like my mind did not matter, that I was the constant warm body there. The clincher is the part about when I gained weight, I am constantly expecting the worse from people in my life, thinking that I may not be good enough..The thing is I realized we all have issues, we all have insecurites, we all have parts of our lives we wish we could permantly remove, but we can't. What we can do is enjoy the ongoing wow of now...

I guess what it comes down to is this: Someone recently told me they felt like I was a button in their pocket and they were afraid they were going to loose it. I feel like that too, like I am going to wake up one day and it will just not be there, I have a hard time looking really far ahead...I have a hard time looking to the end of the day but I value the fact there is a button...and a new one at that. And that has made all the difference...

The reckless driving thing is this...I was feeling a lot of emotion all at once..and people were telling me a million different things...my roommate tried to convince that what I needed (sorry Kris) was to move in with someone I have only been seeing for a short time, because she felt it was convient to her, the thing that gets me about this, is it has been a really long time since I have even wanted to take the steps to move in a forward direction with someone and for my best friend, the person who claims she knows me better than anyone else would make me feel that the speed or rate at which I was moving did not compliment the way she needed things to be..I would never be that selfish...I would never push someone that way...make me feel crazy...like I needed to be rushed..In a way I need to say a quick fuck you for not just being happy for me where I am at...I got a smile on my face and more than anything I am enjoying getting to know this person...I am enjoying the easiness of it...fuck you for making her feel weird, for making me feel weird, walking in on us when we were having sex, saying you saw us naked, and trying to tell me how I feel because what you think comes no where close...

I hope the graphic language did not offend anyone, I needed this open letter of sorts, because in my circle of things the precept has been real and in everyones face and I needed to round of that circle.

a quick thought on Tim Russert

The news of his Tim Russerts passing has been on my mind since I heard about it on Saturday, I could not beleive I had not heard. He was a brilliant political commentator and will truly be missed. I went through the same thing when Peter Jennings died. It was tough, I bonded like many of my fellow americans with Jennings when the tragic events of September 11th occured.

This morning I woke up sex crazed and methodically got up unwilling to accept the caprice of fate and face my day....I think it was because I spent too long making silly lists that I avoided my very important one....

Need to clean out car, it smells real funny--I am back from my vacation of order
Need to fix the clock in the car, I hate the feeling of panic I feel when I look at it sometimes.
I really need to water my neighbors plants, my plants and need to get those freaking tomatoes in the ground....
My last day of class is Thursday, I need to go through my study guide
I need to decide if I am going to do the extra credit.
I need to clean my room, I need to get rid of some clothes...they either do not fit or I simply hate them. Loosing weight is frustrating because my clothes just hang..Makes me feel akward.

I really need to shave my legs..

I was laying in bed last night thinking, I felt really heavy laying against the bed, which led to tone of the strangest sensations....I felt this other day too sitting at the computer desk...All of a sudden I felt like I could feel the curve of the earth and that the only thing that was holding me there was gravity...I felt space...and gravity and the simple force that keeps us grounded....The sensation is unlike anything else...very strange to say the least...

It made me feel like the Little Prince from one of my favorite childrens stories...Like my head was literally right in outer space...no atmosphere , just space...

mantra for the day: compassion extends to compassion

The list of lists.....

Coke at 1 am is not the best thing, I can feel the caffine take over and seep into my pours...What the hell are you doing my body asks....

I was laying in bed making lists...and these are the lists I came up with...

Songs I could never live without:
1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwFS69nA-1w "First day of my Life" (decided recently)
2.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ywg-PdeGVL0 "Strawberry Fields"
3.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Qx2lMaMsl8 "the flower duet"
4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pp-SYRSyMvE "Coming" from my favorite virginia woolf book Orlando made into a movie...
5.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98NdBQJEj_s "Lily of the West"
6. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9VHpdmIrFM "Hypnotized"
7. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHIfpTMdOVg "two girls strong"
8. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VW0YLWWf2b8 "Hold me now"

Favorite youtube videos:
1.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHikpdf8ktM
2.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZDOPQRdxJM
3.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JJ-tK7-gIk
4.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReYfDlIa-Z8
5.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goL20thlcRU

Strange pyshic lady at work sayings:
1. It is just settling so let it...
2. The spirit told me she was embarressed of you, maybe you should ask if she is
3. you are not confused you are just scared of the shit that comes with it
4. You will wear a shoe with strings
5. your cat is a lover from a past life
6. you have a soul mate and she has you she also has iron

The strange pyshic lady scares me a bit....she smells like cheese and waddles, she wears a bluetooth the same color as her clothes...it seriously changes.

Basic needs: Beyond Maslows Hierachy:
1. A smile, an open heart and an open mind
2. Validation that my feelings are ok
3. feather pillows
4. Appreciation of who I am
5. air conditioners set on 69
6. unconditonal love
7. freedom
8. sexual exploration like space
9. a love thats a best friend, lover and a an equal
10. avid dream recollection
11. books books books
12. to have my mirror neuron in my life

it is now 1:34 my roommate is up too, she is wearing my sweater and speaking her truth...I appreciate her in moments like this...I appreciate the sileance of this time of night.

I have felt like I am standing on a tiny globe and all the other people with the exception of Alex are takcs stuck in the globe, and we are standing on the tiny globe..awkardly so and affectionately so.

I need and must go to bed....my eyes are puffy and I have a dull ache in my heart...Time will take it away but until then....I can suck it up and get on with it. I need a really amzing day....a Molly day...

Alex suggested Disney world and I think that will make my year. There is a tiny place in my head where I go when the days get rough and recetnly they have consisted of a beach bound vacation with 2 set of flip flops and bodies like nooks.

Kristen if you read this, I think you are doing the right thing...even it seemed like I could not open my mouth to speak...

The Confessional

Today has been a welcomed day amid the past few. And three cheers for the time change. I work so much better with that extra hour. I have changed all the clocks except for one. So I know when I look it I have a whole extra hour. Yes, silly. But sometimes the simple things are the most brilliant.

This edition is brought to you by the fair weathered friends of The Confessional.
I think I need a good get some things off my chest moment.

(Kristen, if you read this don't decide it is funny to make another cardboard confessional...and put the habit away.)

I am hot for teacher. And have been from the first day. (just breath, semester is almost over)
I can only pray that the fact my body temperature rises and I get flushed is not obvious. And the catcher is I have not felt this way since I was in middle school. I am talking one of those crushes. I actually feel giddy by liking her. Not to mention, her pheromones must really be to my liking.

I was in a very bad mood the past couple of days. And although with a family emergency and having to drive 4 hours to and from Atlanta this weekend, I did not have a reason to be.

I dropped my math class. And I am terrified how that is going to affect me. I am scared it will affect my transfer.

I want to join the peace corp so I won't feel lonely. It is my back up plan. It is the just in case, and that makes me worry I am not compassionate enough.

Since my roommate is spending almost every waking second at her boyfriends house, I have felt like I have my own house. And I needed this.

Most of my short stories are due to what my mother would see has her shortcomings but I see as beautiful idiosyncrasy.

I have a hard time writing academic papers. I want to weave a vibrant story instead.

I lied to get out of speeding ticket the other day. And I feel terrible about it.

I have a hard time not having a case of word vomit and not coming right out and telling my hot for teacher that I am stumble over my words when I am around her.

I like being busy. Even if sometimes I complain about it.

I love this time of year. I feel alive.

I smoked a cigarette this morning....and felt disgusting afterwards but loved it while I was doing it.

The shape of a woman's body is the most intelligent design I have ever seen. And because of recent admiration's I have sought out special attention to the curve of the hips and the lay of the thigh.

I guess this is where I say I lusted and I desire to be intimate...get it on...
*shakes it off*

I am human and do need to be forgiven for any of these transgressions. : )

Maddness, Saddness and the need for more bubble baths

I am in a mad mood, again. I am argument ridden, tired, and stressed out. Driving back and forth from Atlanta is one thing but when it is not for grander ocassions it is another thing, And the garden is so very blah this time of year...Much like the state of my uncle...It riddles with me fear. http://www.ryangainey.com/projects/poetryandprose/default.htm My uncle is a man of great fervor and enlightment, I would not be remotely who I am today if it were not for him. He very much took over as a major paternal role in my life and although at times I want nothing more to than to hide from his critism I love him for it. I worry for him.

But yes, I am in a bad mood, PMS, room mate/best friend disagreements, brothers who need a good kick in the ass, my uncle, my dirty laundry, school, work, bad judgement, cramps, mis-communications, a broken in half phone (I am so clumsy), and just the plain and simple fact I am on edge and I want my own bed.

The highlightof my day was taking a hot bubble bath in a clawfoot tub....Why did I ever get out.

I am sure once I go to sleep and begin another day it will all be as if it were a dream...and I won't feel so angry, Hell I won't even feel tepid...I won't feel lonely....And I will find no need to complain.

I often find myself wondering if people see me as neurotic or uptight. I am completely the opposite, It just is so many times I find it so hard to say things and half the time I feel misunderstood. I am completely aware I am transposing that on myself and PMS makes everything ten times more.

I will end on a wish....

I wish for nothing more than a chilled night, a warm blanket, candlelight, a bottle of good wine, great conversation, a certain secret someone, and the presumption for a couple moments that nothing else exists.

vacating myself

ok, I have been on a tiny vacation. Away from all technology, away from anything that has remotely connected to me with anything outside the realm of school and work. This needs to change. With yahoo closing and having everyone disperse there are a few people I want to stay in contact with...I need to get my game in act before it is too late...It is always like that, I either act to quickly or not at all and in the end I manage to loose either way. Funny thing that is.
I was inspired to blog because today has been a ripe day. Ripe meaning not quite there but almost. Amongst the recklessness of pms, my inability to communicate and responding by putting my head down or looking the other way seems bizarre,,Is there something up with the planets? This week has been a long and never ending stream of disasters. My roommate, who is the closet I will ever have to a sister has been vacant. I am not griping just stating...I don't really ever want to love alone. But when we do manage to have morning coffee on the days I don't have to be at class or work till 10, all she has done was constantly have a nervous breakdown. The plumbing has backed up. After doing the dishes and draining the water, it backs up into the bathtub. Gross...coffee grounds and dirty water...I think I managed to fix it...but after a nice hot relaxing bath, I drained the water and it came out of the sink....?!?!?!?!!??!!?!?!?!? My brother needs to get his act together.....I am so very tired of bailing him out of his BS. The big catch of the week happened last night. I was having a nice evening, had dinner with a friend...did a bit of homework...and then around 10 the first call came in..apparently he had tried to im me but I was not signed into anything and he has never quite figured out the best way to chat is through google...Except my gmail is totally fucked. Arghhh. I think I am going to get a new email..I guess I have to....what a pain...Ok well, ________ (I will leave his name out for all intensive purposes) was having what I like to refer to as a Chasing Amy moment. He called, I did not answer...He called again and only because I was done with an outline did I answer. It began...I sat, calmly and listened to his jive about how he thought it impossible for me to spend the rest of my life with a woman and how he was the 100% perfect person for me...(Well sorry I was never informed of this). I like _______ but as a friend only. I treasure my platonic friendships with men...I mean yes I dated a few but things have changed and that is out of my control...We hung up and the calling continued....I had to leave my phone on because I was too lazy to get out of bed and set my actual alarm clock..I have to set it away from the bed so I will actually get up and not hit snooze a million times....The last message left after it seemed he managed to get drunk was Calling me a pretentious cunt. Yes a cunt. Of course I got the apology via voicemail and email today but still am lacking in what to say.

Anyhow I just really wanted to make a note of a movie I wanted to see.
Wristcutters. There....I guess it was nice to rant.

Oh and when I have time...all the crazy dreams I have been having will be transcribed.

360 and beyond

Yes, I have found it to be official. 360 is coming to a close. It is reported that they will supply people with a way to move their blogs...Blog Presevation happening so soon..who woulda thought.

My math professor growls. I really find him in poor taste. Not too mention he marks correct answers wrong on every single one of my tests which I have to repeatly have him so I can attempt to pass.

But no kidding the guy growls as he walks throughout the desks peeking over the shoulder..judging our ever move..causing me the violent reaction of wanting to elbow him directly in the groin.

It is not the fact that he is a man that bothers me..It is the fact he is a man teaching me math...My brain does not concepulize the same as his....The best math professors have always been women. Even ones in polyestor and wiggs.